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Spoof - An Bord Pleanála Grants Planning Permission for Onshore Pipeline in Mayo

An Bord Pleanála - Indymedia

19th October 2009

An Bord Pleanála announces its decison today to grant planning permission with revised conditions to Shell E&P Ireland (SEPIL) for the construction of an onshore gas pipeline in Mayo.

An Bord Pleanála is today pleased to announce the decision to grant planning permission to Shell E&P Ireland (SEPIL) for the construction of an onshore gas pipeline running from Glengad to Bellanaboy in order to facilitate the Corrib Gas project.

The Bord approves this application as a strategic infrastructure development, and sees the Corrib Gas Project as integral in the future of the nation's development. An Bord Pleanála aims to embrace proper planning practices and sustainable development, and the Corrib Gas Project is complimentary to these principles.

Speaking after the announcement of the decision, An Bord Pleanála chairperson John O'Connor extended his congratulations to SEPIL on their successful application stating “Ever since I met the Corrib Gas Partners on 23rd of September 2003, four days after they had met Bertie Ahern, I have seen the benefit that this project can bring to people, and have since given it my full support.”

However due to the complex nature of the Corrib Gas Project, An Bord Pleanála has engaged in a thorough examination and discussion between the applicant and the local community. As a result of the Oral Hearing which took place in May 2009, An Bord Pleanála has taken into consideration the submissions from the local community and included a total of 413 conditions to the applicant, regarding how SEPIL must construct and operate the onshore pipeline.

Attached are the first 25 Conditions:

1. Shell & Statoil must promise to be very nice in the future and that includes no hiring mercenaries to beat up on the local people.

2. Shell & Statoil must try to encourage the residents living within the 400 metre kill-zone of the raw gas pipe to move somewhere more suitable (Carlow should be suggested – bring brochures).

3. If people are being stubborn and refusing to move, then their houses should be moved back outside the kill-zone.

4. Sand martins who continued to live next to Glengad beach despite the noise and construction disturbance are to also be encouraged to leave the area.

5. Shell & Statoil must promise to do their best to conceal the extent of the Oil and Gas robbery from the Irish people. The less people understand about the Great Gas Giveaway, the better off everyone will be (especially those who benefit from it).

6. All fish and marine life to be removed from Broadhaven Bay, and suitable homes must be found for them (anywhere safe and away from raw gas pipelines).

7. €420 billion to be invested in the local parish of Kilcommon. A big golden statue of Minister Eamon Ryan (preferably without protest sign) to be constructed outside the gates of the Bellanaboy terminal.

8. Shell & Statoil to ensure that anyone driving over any of the four road crossing are not traveling in excess of 10 km per hour. Also children are not to be allowed to jump around in the back of the car while driving over the pipeline.

9. Shell & Statoil to build an exercise gym in the area in which local residents will have mandatory training once a week. This will allow residents to escape from the thermal radiation in less than 30 seconds should there be a gas leakage from the pipe.

10. Once the pipeline has been constructed, the Gardaí should be urged to go back to more rural style policing, that means less batoning, punching and surveillance of citizens.

11. The pipeline should be properly maintained, that means no implementing the usual Shell safety policy of “Touch Fuck All”. Come on please.

12. Some jobs for some Bord Pleanála people when they retire would be appreciated too but won't be put down explicitly as a necessary condition.

13. If, Shell & Statoil are to use the outflow pipe to illegally pump out chemicals into Broadhaven Bay, this is only to be done at night and not when there is a full moon.

14. During the removal of 75,000 tonnes of peat from Rossport Commonage, the frogs are to be removed by hand, not by JCB bucket as has be the general practice of Shell and Mayo County Council in the area.

15. Residents of Glengad, Pollathomais, Rossport, Aughoose, Lenamore and the surrounding areas which are at high risk for landslides are encouraged to keep an eye out for bits of mountain slipping towards theirs or their neighbours' homes, and are advised to leave the area if this occurs.

16. In the unlikely event of there being in excess of 2mm of rainfall in a given 24 hour period, residents in these areas should prepare for evacuation. If rainfall continues then leave the area until the rain stops.

17. Shell and Statoil will be encouraged to provide funding for Tony O'Reilly and other media giants in Ireland who have consistently shown support for the Corrib Gas Project and it's beneficiaries.

18. The public will be prohibited from building any sandcastles on Glengad beach that are over the 345 bar pressure pipeline running underneath.

19. Shell must maintain the Broadband Internet connection and mobile phone coverage for the area, even in the event of a gas explosion and complete desecration of the local environment, at least there will be mobile coverage.

20. Shell and Statoil must provide a dolphin sanctuary at Inver, which will be a safe uncontaminated home for the dolphins where they can look out through the glass onto their former home, Broadhaven Bay as it slowly deteriorates into a wasteland.

21. Dogs are not allowed to bury any bones on top of the pipeline route.

22. As An Garda Síochána has consistently worked closely with Shell to facilitate the Corrib Gas Project and have always praised the safety of the pipeline, Shell will be required to fund a Garda barracks to be built on top of the pipeline, adjacent to the landfall valve which is 345 bar pressure. This is to encourage their continued facilitation of the project and to reward them for their hard work criminalising and intimidating the local community in their opposition to the project.

23. Shell and Statoil are to work with Mayo County Council to ensure that pollution in Carrowmore Lake, the local drinking supply, doesn't get any worse. If dead fish start floating in the water, Shell and Statoil will be asked to provide a new lake.

24. Shell and Statoil in their operations around the world are encouraged to try to eradicate the growing Resource Nationalism around the world. Illustrate to Russia, Bolivia and Venezuela who recently claimed back control over the energy resources that they should follow Ireland's lead in handing over all their natural resources to Big Oil.

25. Shell's private security personnel role, currently fulfilled by IRMS, will be extended to include Emergency Response duties in the event of a gas pipeline rupture. If there were a leak at the beach in Glengad where the gas is at 345 bar pressure, once the notification is received and the valves at the well-head shut off, it would take 16 hours for the pipeline to be flushed out and for the gas to stop flowing at Glengad. During this time IRMS could aid in the evacuation of the local community (obviously not anyone within the kill-zone, they've only got thirty seconds).

Due to past experience, we realise the difficulties that Shell & Statoil have in following conditions given to them by State agencies. But we only ask that they do their best.

Please attach any conditions you would like requested of Shell & Statoil: