The Corrib Chronicle - €35m Garda Beer Pipe Opens

There were wild scenes yesterday after the official opening of the Shell to Belmullet Garda beer pipe.  Top brass from the Gardai Siochana were on hand to join in one of the biggest piss-ups in the force's history.  The beer pipe was officially opened at 12 noon and within 30 minutes Gardai could be seen vomiting, cavorting and stumbling all over the place.

Speaking exclusively to the Chronicle after 18 pints, Sgt Padraig Lawlor of Belmullet Garda station said "Thishh ish what great abouth dish country - free drrrink for de Gash! We cant tank Shhelll enough!" - he then collapsed.

Shell Ireland CEO Piers Van Drunker told us "We knew if we could get the Gardai absolutely legless they'd be on our side.  This has proved to be the case.  They're totally inebriated and shouting abusive superlatives at the locals! Great stuff!"